Lem's Life: Night shift PARTY people
by Iain Boulton
Summary: The follow up to War of the Muffins. Washu (from TM) forces Lem to sit through a nightshift at his coffee shop. This fic has won 2 awards at Mediaminer for a winning sidekicks performance by Clem/Dipsy/ and Kenny and its been named the most wackiest AU.


Notes from the author: I only owe characters Lem Lemming and Professor J. Clem. The rest are of course owned by the animation companies and television studios they are provided from. (I.E Fox, BBC, Comdey Central, Ganiax, etc, etc, and etc) I'm not making any money from this, it's just from my brain. Now shut the brain off, and enjoy!  
  
Ah another clean and perfect day in the city of animation, the town was full of life as always and as for Lem Lemming, he was on his way back to lovely coffee shop to check up on things and see what the fuss was about. The fuss must have been important since Washu had sworn angrily at him. The shop he owned was unfortunately shared with Washu, from Tenchi Muyo. Naturally, he brought it, but after Washu agreed to control the finances, she became half of the shop's owner. Something that Lem has never truly been happy with.  
  
Lem was walking through the animated New Jersey and stopped off at the video shop next to the 'quick stop'. He decided to check out the latest video release and see what Randal was up to. When he entered the store, no one was in there, he looked around the video selves and then proceeded over to the main counter.  
  
" Hey! Randal!" shouted Lem looking around the video store.  
  
" Hello," said Randal popping out from under his counter. Lem jumped.  
  
" AH!" shouted Lem. He shook his head. " Randal, I'm bored and I need a good film to watch. Now what can the mind of a complete loony recommend?"  
  
" Well, I would have recommended watching something with me in it."  
  
" Your show was cancelled," said Lem rolling his eyes up.  
  
" You haven't got one," said Randal.  
  
" Ah! Touché! But that still doesn't answer my question."  
  
" Ok," said Randal taking out a box. " These are the just returned videos, you should find something here."  
  
" Is there anything good?" asked Lem confused. Randal took out a video.  
  
" Ah! A classic!"  
  
" What?"  
  
" How Cammy was turned into a Shadowloo soldier by M. Bison. This is a rare video."  
  
" Please explain what your on about," said Lem folding his arms.  
  
" You know that Street Fighter 2 anime film Capcom did, way better than the Van Damme shit."  
  
" Go on," said Lem nodding.  
  
" Well, in the anime, there was a scene where Bison brainwashed his sad sap of a fighter called Ken. Did you ever notice that he was wearing nothing at all."  
  
" No because I'm not a pervert." Said Lem. " This better have some point in a second."  
  
" Well, this video contains a scene edited out from the film, it shows Cammy getting brainwashed instead. It's so cool, you get to see all the bits you wanted to see. This is a been a big hitter with all the single anime males, except you, your not anime."  
  
" Nor are you, your American," said Lem.  
  
" Ahem to that," smiled Randal. " Still, it applies to all men, seeing a hot anime chick naked, heck in the video you can see the hordes of Bison followers watching her being brainwashed. So you wanna take it out?"  
  
" No and since when I get a fixation on a Capcom animated fighting character?"  
  
" Since you asked about the video."  
  
" Then what's this one?" asked Lem picking another video out and showing it to Randal.  
  
" HOLY SHIT! WHO THE FUCK TOOK THAT ONE OUT?"  
  
" I dunno," said Lem. " Ever checked your computer?"  
  
" I don't want to know the sick bastard who rented out How E-Honda became a Shadowloo solider by M. Bison. That's the sumo bloke and in that he's naked and..ugh! It makes me sick to think about it."  
  
" Do you mind.." Said Lem walking behind Randal's counter. He started typing.  
  
".checking records for E-Honda and..ah." Lem looked at Randal. " You sick fuck!"  
  
" What?" asked Randal. Lem turned the monitor around.  
  
" The last person to rent this out was Randal Graves!"  
  
" I thought E-Honda was a hot chick!"  
  
" You seemed to have rented this out several times!"  
  
" No I haven't!"  
  
" YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS!" shouted Lem.  
  
" SHUT UP!" cried Randal. He clutched onto the Cammy tape. " Cammy is the babe for me."  
  
" Here's too E-Honda," said Lem passing the evil videotape into Randal's arms. " Now explain to me what on green's earth is possessing you?"  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
LeM's LiFe - NiGhT ShIFT PARTY People  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
" Morning teeny boppers," said Lem walking reading a newspaper into his coffee shop.  
  
Kenny and Dipsy were standing at the counter tidying it up. Kenny had been an employee of the shop since it opened, Dipsy on the other hand just hangs out and helps.if Lem does not attack him of course. " How's business?"  
  
" Hmmpt hmp nhmpt hmpt hmmp," mumbled Kenny. Lem paused and dropped his newspaper. No one was in the coffee shop.  
  
" Odd, no one here," said Lem. " What time is it?"  
  
" Dipsy think its 5pm," said Dipsy scratching his head.  
  
" No, Dipsy doesn't know jackshit," said Lem looking at his watch. " But you are right saying its 5pm."  
  
" Hooray de Dipsy," said Dipsy waving his arms up and down.  
  
" Shut the hell up," said Lem walking to the counter and putting the newspaper down. " I guess its closing time."  
  
" Who told you that?" asked Washu coming out of the office doing some calculations. Lem rolled his eyes up.  
  
" I did, I'm the manager!"  
  
" No your not, for the time being, Wednesdays are my managing days so I tell you when we're closed."  
  
" Oh please for the love of God close the damn shop early! No one is going to come in at 5pm in the evening!"  
  
" Can I get a coffee?" asked Atiko standing at the door with Yurika hugging him tight. The two lovers from the Nadesico must have been taking time off from filming. " Me and Yurika haven't had something to drink all day."  
  
" Oooh boo hoo.FUCK OFF!" shouted Lem.  
  
" LEM!" shouted Washu.  
  
" BITCH QUEEN!" shouted Lem at Washu.  
  
" Serve him," said Washu. Lem grumbled.  
  
" Yes all high queen of the evil," said Lem hopping over the counter. He turned to Atiko. " You have ten seconds to make your order starting from now."  
  
" Um.ok..Can I have a cup of coffee with. sugar and milk."  
  
" Time's up."  
  
" No it isn't!"  
  
" Yes it is," smiled Lem. " Goodbye!"  
  
" LEM!" shouted Washu.  
  
" Sorry! Twenty seconds then.." Said Lem.  
  
" Ok, Can I have a cup of coffee with milk and sugar, non caffeine plus.can I have a muffin?"  
  
" What type?"  
  
" What do you do?"  
  
" Time's up!"  
  
" WHAT?" shouted Atiko.  
  
" Goodbye," said Lem smiling and pointing the door. " Please come again."  
  
" I haven't given you my order!"  
  
" Yes you have."  
  
" What was it?"  
  
" A cup of coffee with milk and sugar, non caffeine along with a muffin but since time ran out, I can't complete the order."  
  
" THIS ISN'T FAIR! Let me talk to the manager."  
  
" I am the manager."  
  
" WHAT?" asked Atiko.  
  
" Please excuse him," said Washu coming out of her office. She grabbed Lem's neck. " Serve him correctly or you won't get to be manager tomorrow!"  
  
" Alright!" shouted Lem. " Coffee, non caffeine.milk and sugar. What type of muffin?"  
  
" Chocolate."  
  
" Do you know what Yurika wants?"  
  
" No."  
  
" Then I'll suggest shall I? How about a foam latte with a whisper of cinnamon, blueberry muffin and a lollypop."  
  
" That's just what I wanted!" cried Yurika clapping her hands. Lem put his hand under the counter and brought out a tray with the exact order on it. He picked up the lollypop and put it in Yurika's mouth.  
  
" Ten dollars!"  
  
" Thanks," said Atiko giving him a twenty. Lem took the twenty, picked up a ball and threw it at Dipsy. The ball hit Dipsy's head.  
  
" OW!" shouted Dipsy.  
  
" That's what Dipsy get, every time a customer does not pay me the right amount!" Lem added. Lem took out a ten-dollar note and gave it to Atiko. " Please come again."  
  
" Thank you," said Atiko. He and Yurika left.  
  
" That was fun," said Lem turning to Washu. " business is suppose to be like that when two friends learn how fun it is to please the joys and excitements of two young lovers from the ship Nadesico such as them."  
  
" Where on earth did you get that?"  
  
" From the nice side of me," said Lem. " Now it's closing time."  
  
" Wednesday we are open 24 hours."  
  
" I know that!" said Lem. " I don't work this shift because Dipshit and my best bud in the world.that's you Kenny."  
  
" Hooray!" cried Kenny waving his arms."  
  
".are being forced to work this shift with your evil communist ways. I put to you now you heartless Stalin, close my damn shop!"  
  
" No."  
  
" I'll give you a fight," said Lem putting his fists up. Washu punched him in the face. Lem fell backwards onto the floor. He got up. " Ow."  
  
" Serves you right," said Washu.  
  
" So why on Earth did you call me to the shop if I'm not on duty?"  
  
" Your night team," said Washu.  
  
" Excuse me?" asked Lem.  
  
" We are still paying off the funds from the time the Anime Police destroyed the shop with the zombie customers."  
  
" You mean Homer Simpson and merry brew of muffin eaters."  
  
" Exactly," said Washu. " So until we can pay off the repair costs since someone forget to take out insurance."  
  
" Before you blame me..Dipsy, could you show Washu what you got me when I asked for some insurance."  
  
" Dipsy brought trendy hat," said Dipsy pointing to his zebra colored hat. Washu and Lem stared at him.  
  
" You want to hit him first or shall I?" asked Lem.  
  
" We'll do that later," said Washu. " Until 7am, you will be taking store orders."  
  
" When do people order coffee in the middle of the night?"  
  
" While they work hard in the middle of the night or after spending a night of hot passionate love making with a partner.."  
  
".is that why you're not staying tonight?"  
  
"..no.." said Washu. She picked up her handbag. " Now Ryoko wants to some me a new dress she got from Tenchi so until tomorrow morning at 7am, good evening,"  
  
" Come back!" shouted Lem as Washu left the store. " You won't go far in your woman lifestyle! You'll come back..you always want to check the penny jar!"  
  
" Hmmpt hmpt hmmp phmp jmp?" asked Kenny.  
  
" Well no we don't, I'm just being melodramatic," said Lem. He sighed. " Come on you two, let's do some lazing around."  
  
* * * * * *  
  
8:45PM  
  
" Have we had a single customer yet?" asked Lem laying on the counter looking up at the tiles. " Because I've counted the ceiling tiles and we have 250 tiles and some blood and some puke and don't forget the burn stains we had when tried to cook Dipsy."  
  
" Dipsy was cooked?" asked Dipsy sitting on a table playing with a ball.  
  
" Yes, we try to render your fat, shall we try again?" asked Lem getting off the counter.  
  
" Excuse me." said a voice. Lem turned to the door. ".are you open all night."  
  
" Yes.but you're a little young to have some coffee Yu-gi-oh!"  
  
" Nonsense," said the adult Yu-gi-oh walking into the shop. " I only wanted an orange juice and a muffin."  
  
" Well, what I don't want to serve you?"  
  
" Then let us du-du-dduuu-ddduuuu-duel!" shouted Yu-gi in a computer voice.  
  
" Boy your kids show is fucked up," said Lem. " I challenge you to a duel young boy," He slapped Dipsy. " And if you refuse then you are a coward."  
  
" Why did you slap me?" asked Dipsy.  
  
" Silence boy," said Lem pushing Dipsy over the counter.  
  
" Let us du-du-dduuu-ddduuuu-duel!" shouted Yu-gi again.  
  
" you do that stupid theme tune bit again and I won't duel!"  
  
" Awww.come on." said Yu-gi in his kid voice. ".you like that really."  
  
" No, I don't." said Lem. " Nor anyone on the Kids WB either."  
  
" Your mean." Sighed Yu-gi.  
  
" ARE WE DUELING?" asked Lem. He pulled a table to the center of them and made the card out lines.  
  
" You have your special deck Yu-gi?" asked Lem. Yu-gi nodded. Lem took out his. " So do I!"  
  
" Then let us.." Lem stared at Yu-gi. ".play."  
  
" Good boy, I'll go first!" Lem picked up a card and placed it in the middle of the store. It was a picture of Kenny sleeping. " I'll use the lazy card!"  
  
Kenny put his arms behind his head and started to sleep.  
  
" Ah! A clever move," said Yu-gi putting a card on the table. A picture of the word twenty-four. " I use the card of 24 hours preventing even anyone from being lazy."  
  
Kenny woke up looking confused. Dipsy got up from behind the counter by the coffee machine.  
  
" Then I'll use the broken down coffee machine which sprays hot boiling coffee at people," said Lem putting a picture of Dipsy screaming in pain down on the table. The coffee machine blew up, spilling coffee on Dipsy.  
  
" DIPSY BURNING! DIPSY BURNING!" Dipsy screamed.  
  
" SHUT UP!" shouted Lem. Yu-gi took out a card. It showed Dipsy covered in water.  
  
" I'll use the card of the water pipes bursting, cooling Dipsy down." Said Yu-gi.  
  
Water dropped in from above and cooled Dipsy, he collapsed steaming and smoking.  
  
" Ah! You fell for my trick.." Lem put his card down. ".the child curfew!"  
  
" HUH?" asked Yu-gi. An anime police car drove up outside the shop. William Collins ran in, grabbed Yu-gi and ran off.  
  
" Your under arrest for being out too late.  
  
" NO! THIS ISN'T RIGHT! I NEVER LOOSE! I NEVER LOOOOOSE!" The anime police car drove off.  
  
" I win, isn't life grand?" asked Lem. He turned to Kenny and Dipsy, both wet. " What's your problem?"  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
9:34pm  
  
" Ah, another nights work Kenny!" smiled Lem serving some customers.  
  
The shop at last had some customers coming in and out, getting ready for the nightlife of the animation world.maybe if there was one.  
  
" Do you know what I like about Wednesdays?" asked Lem to Kenny.  
  
" Hmpt?" mumbled Kenny.  
  
" The bitch queen isn't here so I can run this place in pure perfection," said Lem turning to Kenny rubbing his hands.  
  
" Bmhpt Qmhp?"  
  
" Yes! I'm talking about Washu. All the time she's working, she's trying to help make the store run better, and efficiently. Just good normal work with the customers increases the happiness! Not drugged coffee." Kenny nodded to agree. " And what I like about these days is that I can speak nicely to the customer." The counter bell rang.  
  
" Hi Lem," said Keiichi and Belldandy standing at the counter. Lem paused.  
  
" Expect if they're annoying and make out every time you see them!" mumbled Lem walking over to them. " Evening rabbits."  
  
" Huh?" asked Keiichi.  
  
" Evening Keiichi, Bell. I have to admit, for once your not making out in or outside my shop. Rarity for past watershed hours."  
  
" Yeah, we had a late night last night so we thought we mellow out today."  
  
" Yes, serving Keiichi isn't always loving I guess." Said Belldandy.  
  
" It takes her several OVAs and a movie to figure that out!" said Lem rolling his eyes up. " What can I get you?"  
  
" Oh, I'll take a coffee and Bell will take a orange juice."  
  
" Ok," said Lem turning his back to them getting the drinks. He turned back and dropped the drinks. " WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO HER?"  
  
" What?" asked Keiichi. He looked at Belldandy who.who.was now a blow up doll resembling her. " Oh, that. She's normal."  
  
" Normal? She's not real!"  
  
" Of course she's real." Said Keiichi. " We sleep together every night." Lem slapped himself.  
  
" May I?" asked Lem jumping over the counter and walking over to Misato and Asuka who were sitting in the corner talking. " Now, real women move and talk.notice that they have firm breasts and react when you touch them!" Lem took out a pointing stick used for office meetings and prodded Misato with it.  
  
" What the fuck are you doing?" asked Misato. Lem walked back over to Keiichi.  
  
" Where as Bell.is made out of plastic and she's only good for lonely men who haven't fucked or haven't had a girlfriend in a long time!"  
  
" She's real!" cried Keiichi. He hugged the plastic blowup doll of Belldandy. It squeaked. Lem slapped himself again.  
  
" Jesus Christ.." Said Lem walking over to Belldandy and grabbing her. ".SHE ISN'T REAL!"  
  
" DON'T CALL MY GIRLFRIEND THAT YOU MEAN BASTARD!"  
  
" YEAH! THAT'S ME!" snarled Lem turning around and grinning at Kenny. He turned back where Belldandy, now a normal human goddess again, was being held between his hands.  
  
" AH!" Lem let go of her and fell back onto the floor. While Keiichi and Belldandy walked off to sit down and drink their coffees, Lem got back up and turned to Dipsy.  
  
" Give me a ice pack," shouted Lem holding his head and sitting on his stool behind the counter. Dipsy who was standing in front of him blinked. Lem sighed. " It's the blue bag with the word ice on it!"  
  
" Ice cream?" asked Dipsy.  
  
" NO! Just ice!"  
  
" No cream?"  
  
" NO CREAM!" shouted Lem. " Open the bloody fridge and get the blue ice pack out! It has ice written on it!"  
  
" I know!" cried Dipsy opening the fridge and taking out a blue ice Popsicle. " Ice Pop!"  
  
" CAN YOU PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH!" shouted Lem. " ICE PACK! NOT ICE POP OR ICE FUCKING CREAM!"  
  
" Ice Pack?"  
  
" YES!"  
  
" The one blue bag with ice written on it."  
  
" YES YOU DAFT PRAT!"  
  
" All gone!"  
  
" WHAT?" screamed Lem.  
  
" Dipsy used ice cubes for iced coffee!" grinned Dipsy stupidly. Lem picked up the nearest thing to him, a pot of coffee and threw it over him. " HOT!" Dipsy fell backwards.  
  
" YES! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WITH NO COLD ICE!" shouted Lem.  
  
Lem dragged Dipsy outside and proceeded to beat him up. He then came back into the shop, picked up a rocket and some ropes and some glue and returned to Dipsy. He came back a few minutes later.  
  
TIME PASSES BY A SHORT AMMOUNT  
  
" Ah.customers.just what I like to see," smiled Lem sitting at the counter as various anime and cartoon characters came in heavily since last time. " Must have been my sign." He looked outside.  
  
" Come in to Lem's Shop and sip the best coffee in town. If you do come in, give him the right change or I'll explode," said Dipsy gulping tied to a rocket aimed into the sky with the words 'Lem's Coffee Shop - open all hours'.  
  
" Hiya Lem," said Randal coming up. " I couldn't give a shit about the video shop, so I thought I stay here and drink some coffee with you."  
  
" How delightful," Lem added. " You evil bastard!"  
  
" Why, you say it so cheerfully," said Randal. " One coffee and cupcake."  
  
" Of course, Kenny!" cried Lem. Kenny came over with a tray with the coffee and cupcake. " That will be $1.75."  
  
" Here's a fiver," said Randal taking out a five-dollar note. Lem blinked and pressed a button next to him.  
  
" Up he goes!" cried Lem. The rocket lifted up a few inches. " Another three presses and he's off to the moon to become a moon man."  
  
" Are you going to take my money?" asked Randal.  
  
" MOONMAN!" shouted Lem laughing manically. He swiped the money off Randal and gave him his change. " Next contestant please!"  
  
" Hey Lem," said Clem jumping over the counter. Clem was another helper at the shop, smart, educated Lemming with the promise of a grand future.if only he took it that is instead of insulting the customers as well as Lem does.  
  
" Clem! Your not working today," Lem added.  
  
" I know, but I'm just too bored and I thought I come and lend you a hand if you needed one.why's Dipsy tied to that rocket?"  
  
" He wants to become the next Neil Armstrong."  
  
" Oh, ok," said Clem.  
  
" Clem, serve the next customer, I'm just going to retie those ropes," said Lem jumping over the counter and heading to the rocket. Clem turned to see who was next in line. It was Priss.  
  
" Hello miss, how can I help you today?" asked Clem putting his hands together.  
  
" Strong black coffee, I got band practice in an hour," said Priss.  
  
" At this time of the night?"  
  
" Yes!"  
  
" Alright, Kenny! Kenmister!" cried Clem. Kenny popped his head out from under the counter. " Ah good, one black coffee, strong." Kenny nodded and went back under the counter. Priss blinked.  
  
" What's he doing?"  
  
" He's using the backup coffee machine, comes from the counter itself," Kenny's hand popped up with a cup of coffee. Clem took it and gave it to Priss. " Two dollars."  
  
" For a cup of coffee, no way."  
  
" You my little singer," said Clem. " Should consider buying some non tightening panties, they prevent you from complaining with your girlfriends about high prices."  
  
" Are you trying to say I am lesbian?" asked Priss. Clem hit the bell on the desk, Kenny popped up.  
  
" You heard it, say it."  
  
" Smh m lhmpt!" cried Kenny snickering. Clem patted his head.  
  
" Good boy." Clem smiled. Kenny nodded and got back under the counter.  
  
" GIVE ME MY DAMN COFFEE." Snarled Priss.  
  
" MY GOD PRISSY!" shouted Clem. " THOSE THONGS ARE SO TIGHT ON TODAY! HOW DO YOU PUT THEM ON? WITH NENE'S HELP! IT'S REMARKABLE!" Clem walked off with her coffee.  
  
" HEY! COME BACK HERE!" Priss screamed running after him. Lem walked back over to the counter.  
  
" I see Clem's up to his usual business," said Lem. He tapped the bell, Kenny popped his head up again. " Ah Kenny! Get me a muffin, I'm off to see how people are getting on." Lem wondered over to Gendo and Fuyustki who sitting at a table together drinking.  
  
" Hey Lem," said the two together.  
  
" Hi guys, what are you two talking about?"  
  
" We were talking about Yui," said Fuyustki.  
  
" You can't put a price on the stars!" cried Gendo.  
  
" Cut to the point Ikari."  
  
" Or the moon!"  
  
" Stop talking Ikari, we lost the plot as it is," said Lem.  
  
" But I talk about Yui forever and forever!" said Gendo taking a picture of Yuri out and giving it to Lem.  
  
" How is she?"  
  
" Yui?"  
  
" Yes Yui," said Lem.  
  
" Oh she's fine," said Gendo.  
  
" I'll date her!" cried Lem.  
  
" So sorry.." Gendo said. He pointed to Yui sitting next to him. She gave a little wave. ".she's married to me."  
  
" AH!" Lem screamed seeing Yui out of the blue. He fell on and broke the table behind him. Lem looked up to see Belldandy and Keiichi.  
  
" Oh look, a poor injured creature!" cried Belldandy. She picked Lem off the floor and cuddled him. " Oh Keiichi, can we keep him?"  
  
" Why of course Belldandy," said Keiichi. The two got up from their table and started to leaving, Belldandy carrying Lem as they left.  
  
" I love you so much Keiichi," said Belldandy. " I'm going to love our new pet so much too!"  
  
" LET GO OF ME! I DON'T WHAT YOUR GODDESS LOVE! SAVE ME KENNY!" screamed Lem as he carried out. Kenny leaped out from behind the counter carrying Lem's trusty broom. He chased after them. Shortly afterwards, Nene fresh from fighting crime with the knight sabers skipped in.  
  
" Hi," said Nene. " Can I have some coffee to go?"  
  
" Sure decaf or caff." Clem turned to Nene. She had turned into a blow up doll resembling her in every detail. ".AH!" He gently leaned over the counter and prodded her. She deflated.  
  
" Oh shit!"  
  
* * * * * *  
  
12:29 am  
  
" Back to the quietness." said Lem. A cabbage rolled across the floor of the shop. Yuji from the Blue Gender team sat at his table watching the green cabbage roll past.  
  
" AH! THE BLUE ARE ATTACKING!" screamed Yuji running out of the shop.  
  
" How long has he been here?" asked Lem turning to Clem.  
  
" Around 10 minutes, he didn't ask for something," said Clem picking up the cabbage and polishing it. It resembled a young attractive female anime character. " Is that Kiyone from Tenchi Muyo?"  
  
" No it isn't," said Lem. Clem threw the cabbage outside, next to Yuji again.  
  
" AHHHHH! THE BLUE ARE ATTACKING!" he screamed running into the road. A car hit him.  
  
" Cool, I nailed a freak," cried Johnny Bravo driving the car.  
  
" Make sure he didn't piss himself." Clem added.  
  
" We'll do that later," said Lem. " I hope I better get some damn thanks by Washu if I complete this shift."  
  
" Perhaps we should do something to lighten the quietness huh?" asked Clem. Kenny nodded.  
  
" Like what, it's not like a team of cartoon characters from Fox are going to storm in here and demand that we play them a in a game of soccer."  
  
" HA! HA!" shouted Homer Simpson smashing through the window dressed in a soccer kit. " The soccer players of the animation union of the night challenge the weaklings of the coffee shop to face FOX in a game of soccer!"  
  
" Excuse me?" asked Lem raising an eyebrow.  
  
Homer Simpson and ten other Fox animation characters came into the store. All dressed like they were ready to play a game of soccer. " Since when did I want a game of soccer."  
  
" Oh I'll explain that," said Mr. Burns walking in. " I installed a bug in this shop so I can hear your every words."  
  
" Shit," grumbled Lem.  
  
" hey! Hey!" cried Peter Griffin from Family Guy. " You said it! You play it!"  
  
" Right fine," said Lem. He turned to Kenny. " Ready for some magic?"  
  
" Hmmpt!" cried Kenny jumping over the counter. The group of people started moving the tables and chairs out of the way to make a soccer pitch.  
  
" Ok you silly people," said Burns flipping a coin. " Heads or tails?"  
  
" Tails," said Lem. Burns looked at the coin.  
  
" Dang it," said Burns. Lem put the ball in the center ring. " You kick off." He turned to his players. ".Homer! Waylon! I want you to pressurize the players up front. Peter, Fry, Bart and Hank Hill, wail around a bit! The rest of you, dance!"  
  
" Um." said Hank. ".do we get to use propane accessories in this?"  
  
" Why of course not," said Burns. He took out a whistle, looked at the Fox animation players and then at the team of Kenny and Lem. He blew the whistle. And Kenny kicked the ball. It shot into Bender's goal.  
  
" Awww shoot! That was rigged," cried Bender, not knowing various cheating methods from Futurama. " This sucks, I'm going to find a robot to date."  
  
" DAMN IT! WHY DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN," cried Burns. " Try harder!"  
  
" But we are Mr. Burns," said Waylon Smithers. He got the ball off from Fry and started running up the pitch. Lem tackled him, passed it to Kenny who shot it back into the back of the net.  
  
" AHHH!" shouted Burns. " HARDER!"  
  
" Alright you old cod," grumbled Peter. He kicked the ball over to Lem's net. It bounced off the rear wall, came back, bounced along the counter and out of the window.  
  
" Oooh.." Burns added. ".game over.RETREAT!"  
  
" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the Fox animation players running out of the shop.  
  
" That was quick," muttered Lem. " Oh well, back to sleep."  
  
* * * * * *  
  
2:00 Am  
  
"zzzzzzzzz." Lem snoozed laying on the counter. Kenny was sleeping on a table and Dipsy was still tied to the rocket. Clem was reading a newspaper in front of the counter.  
  
" Late night coffee shop, always quiet, always boring," said Clem flicking the pages. The coffee shop doors opened. It was a group of hooded women. " Can I help?"  
  
" Can we please set up an execution here?" asked the leading woman. Clem noticed purple hair coming out from the hood and the smell of alcohol.  
  
" Is that you Misato?" asked Clem.  
  
" Um.no!" shouted the woman. "Who are you talking about.."  
  
" It's you Misato, and the person behind is Ritsuko."  
  
" DAMN IT!" snarled Ritsuko taking her hood down. " Why do we even fucking bother!"  
  
" Oh pipe it!" cried Sylia Stingray pulling her hood down next to Misato.  
  
" Can we stop arguing?" asked Aika pulling her hood down.  
  
" SHUT IT! PANTY WOMAN!" cried Asuka.  
  
" LADIES!" shouted Clem. " I don't care if your hooded or not, I really don't a flying shit about what you want to do here. I'm bored, I need some entertainment, so please, do what you want to do!"  
  
" Oh." said Misato pulling her hood down. ".thanks Clem."  
  
" No problem," said Clem. He banged the counter. Lem sat up.  
  
" I love you Cammy!" cried Lem sitting up.  
  
" Oh, I didn't know you cared about me," said Cammy from the crowd of women. He paused.  
  
" Why are you all dressed like a secret organization?" asked Lem.  
  
" They were going to do some sort of ritual, I believe it was an execution.." Said Clem.  
  
".Brilliant, who's for coffee?" asked Lem rubbing his hands together sensing the money.  
  
" We're not thirsty," said Misato. The group looked at one another nodding in agreement.  
  
" Well.I am." said Mihoshi. Misato took out a gun and shot her. Mihoshi fell over.  
  
" Did you really have to shoot her?" asked Nene.  
  
" She's not dead, she's just been given a doze of sleeping pills."  
  
" Oh, good, on with the execution!"  
  
" EXCUTION! EXCUTION!" chanted the women.  
  
" Can you please explain yourself?" asked Lem getting slightly confused.  
  
" I'll explain for you," said Ritsuko. " We are a secret and private tribe who meet once a year to discuss all things anime woman in the world, when we believe that our world is constricted by male puss, we seek action."  
  
"..plus you can get a free t-shirt if you join before Christmas," cried Momji. She lifted her cloak up to reveal a t-shirt with an image of herself kicking Kusunagi. " I am independent."  
  
" Gun," said Lem holding out his hand. Misato gave him the gun, he shot Momji. He passed it back. " Thank you."  
  
" Bring in the son of a bitch!" cried Asuka.  
  
Kaji Rouji was dragging into the room by his feet. Misato and Ritsuko put a wooden pole in the middle of the ground. Kaji was dragged to the pole by Cammy and Chun-Li. They pulled him up and tied him to the pole.  
  
" Huh?" asked Kaji looking around dazed. " Why are we at Lem's coffee shop?"  
  
" To sentence you to death!" cried Aika.  
  
" Death? What the hell have you girls been watching?"  
  
" We haven't watched anything..well except for pictures of Tenchi.." Said Asuka.  
  
" HE'S SO DREAMY!!!!!!!" cried all the girls.  
  
" I think I'm going to be sick," said Lem.  
  
" We are all gathered here to day to kill you for your womanizing ways you prick!" snarled Misato.  
  
" Womanizing?" asked Kaji. " What the hell are you drinking now! I haven't had a relationship with anyone except you Misato!"  
  
" Don't lie! We knew you slept with Ritsuko," cried Sylia.  
  
" Well, that's true," said Kaji.  
  
" And is it true that you dated..Maya from Central Dogma?"  
  
" She had a smooth ass of course I did! I even slept with her."  
  
" OH! I HEARD ENOUGH!" screamed Goku from the crowd. " KILL HIM!" The crowd stopped. Misato turned to look at her party.  
  
" Is there any men here today? Apart from Lem, Kenny, and Clem." asked Misato. She looked over the crowd, not noticing Goku, Piccolo, Tenchi Masaki, Shinji Ikari and Atiko were wearing make-up.  
  
" NO!" grunted the men. But quickly changing their tones. " No.no.of course not!"  
  
" Ah the hint of a great Monty Python sketch," smiled Clem.  
  
" Monty who what?" asked Misato.  
  
" Never mind," said Clem.  
  
" Alright never mind," said Misato. " Do you have anything to say before we stone you to death with stones."  
  
" Um..Misato," said Maya from the crowd. Misato turned to look at her.  
  
" Yes Maya darling?"  
  
" We haven't got any stones," said Maya.  
  
" DAMN IT! I TOLD YOU LOT TO BRING STONES! WHAT ON EARTH DO WE HAVE?"  
  
" Um.teddy bears?" asked Nene waving a blue teddy bear.  
  
" You have got to be kidding." Grumbled Misato.  
  
" That or we could clobber him with the Teletubby outside." Said Asuka.  
  
" That's an idea, all agree say Dipsy!"  
  
" DIPSY!" cried the whole group.  
  
" And the teddies say teddy."  
  
" Teddy!" cried Belldandy from the crowd. " Their so cute and cuddly, I love them so much with all my goddess love and." Misato took out her gun again and shot her. Belldandy fell on top of Mihoshi already sleeping.  
  
The mad group of women charged to the rocket, untied Dipsy, charged back in and started whacking Kaji with him.  
  
" OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" cried Kaji getting hit by Dipsy. " STOP IT PLEASE! I'LL STICK WITH ONE GIRL!"  
  
The group stopped.  
  
" Who would you choose?" asked Misato.  
  
" Maya!"  
  
" Me!?" blushed Maya happily. " Why Kaji, I didn't you felt that way about me."  
  
" KILL HIM!" shouted Misato raising Dipsy up again. The group of women grabbed Dipsy and threw him over to Lem. Dipsy hit Lem and the two fell backwards over the counter.  
  
" GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" shouted Lem from behind the counter.  
  
" Misato's just jealous that Kaji doesn't love her!" cried Asuka.  
  
" That's why she started this stupid group," snarled Ritsuko.  
  
" Your not even fit to be called Major," said Aika.  
  
" SHE'S DEFINATLEY FIT!" shouted Shinji.  
  
" Huh?" asked the group. Shinji paused.  
  
" Um.no she's very drunk," Shinij grinned uneasily.  
  
" Good, all in favor of attacking Misato, say I!" said Ritsuko.  
  
" I!" shouted the whole group.  
  
" Must feed Pen Pen!" cried Misato running out of the shop, the group of women charged after her except for Maya, Kaji and Cammy.  
  
" Come along Kaji," said Maya untying Kaji from the pole. " I'll take you home and we can play."  
  
" That sounds lovely," said Kaji taking Maya's hand and walking out of the store. That just left Cammy. Lem popped his head out from behind the counter.  
  
" About that comment I said about you," Lem muttered.  
  
" Can I talk to you please?" asked Cammy. She grabbed Lem, put him in a headlock and dragged him outside.  
  
" Hey Kenny!" cried Clem. Kenny woke up. " Bet you 500 bucks that Lem gets beaten up in the next hour.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
3:14 am  
  
" Where did you go?" asked Clem watching Lem stumble back into the room. He was covered in lipstick kisses. He looked at Lem, his hair was ruffled and there was a big smile across his face.  
  
" N-n-n-nowhere particular. Except love town, population me and Cammy." Lem added dreamily. Kenny rang the counter bell.  
  
" H HMP! H HMP!" cried Kenny jumping up and down.  
  
" DAMN IT!" snarled Clem putting 500 dollars on the counter. Kenny picked it up and started counting his money winnings.  
  
" Cammy says she likes me," Lem added dreamily. He collapsed onto Mihoshi and Belldandy.  
  
" Perhaps we should clean that up," said Clem. Dipsy got up from behind the counter.  
  
" Dipsy miss something romantic?" asked Dipsy yawning.  
  
" No, ride the missile." Said Clem. Dipsy clapped his hands and ran over to the missile, jumping on it. Clem punched the launch button and the rocket shot up into the air.  
  
MEANWHILE AT THE ANIME POLICE HEADQUARTERS  
  
" Hey Rally," said William Collins looking through a pair of binoculars. " I see a rocket coming at us."  
  
" Really Bill?" asked Rally taking the binoculars and looking. She saw Dipsy waving his hat in the air as the rocket flew towards the police station. " Woah.that's neat."  
  
" Do you think it'll hit?" asked William.  
  
" Nope.I'm sure it won,"  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
KA - BOOM  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
" Well.." Coughed William sitting in a pile of rubble all black and smokey colored. ".it hit us."  
  
" What do we do?" asked Rally. Dipsy was sitting in her lap. " Shall I ask Minnie May to go and bomb them?"  
  
" Nope, I'm going to collapse of heart failure...now." William collapsed.  
  
" Can Dipsy give you a hug?" asked Dipsy looking into Rally's eyes. William got back up and took out a phone.  
  
" Animation military, full assault on the coffee shop - no not later, now!" shouted William.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
4:10am  
  
" zzzzzzz.." Lem snoozed. His head resting on the counter. Clem was sitting on a table sleeping. Kenny was sleeping on a mock up bed consisting of muffins. Everyone was sleeping.  
  
" Um.excuse me," said a voice. The group snoozed. The person nudged Lem.  
  
" Fuck off.dreaming," grumbled Lem. "zzzzzz"  
  
" Hello?" asked the person nudging Clem.  
  
" I invented the pokemon," grumbled Clem returning to sleep.  
  
" Damn it, how does this place survive in business?" asked the voice to itself. The bell rang angrily. " GET UP AND SERVE ME GOD DAMN IT!"  
  
" RIGHT!" snarled Lem sitting back up and picking up the bell. He threw it outside. " YOUR NOT A CUSTOMER RYOKO SO PISS OFF!" Lem went back to sleep.  
  
" Why the nerve of that lemming," growled Ryoko putting her hands on her hips. " Washu was right, once stubborn, he's always stubborn.." Ryoko smiled happily. ".I'll guess I'll serve myself."  
  
" No you won't," Lem added sleeping. Ryoko pushed him off the counter onto the floor. " Ouch" Lem got up. " Why are you here?"  
  
" Because I'm bored, tired and thirsty," said Ryoko pouring some coffee. Lem shook his head and took out a sign.  
  
" WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE!" shouted Lem pointing at the sign.  
  
" Apart from the coffee thing, Washu sent me to check that you weren't gone yet."  
  
" I'm still here am I?" asked Lem. He threw a cup at Clem. " I am here?"  
  
" No," said Clem turning over.  
  
" I am here aren't I Ryoko?" asked Lem. Ryoko stared into distant space. " Right, I can't been seen by anyone.I'll go home.no wait, I'll go kill some customers."  
  
" I can see you, you daft prat," Ryoko sighed.  
  
" Good," said Lem. " Well you can report back to mother saying that Lem is sugar dandy in his business."  
  
" She also added that she wanted the store ready for 7am's early shift."  
  
" We're ready aren't we?" asked Lem pointing at his shop. The floors were covered in blood, vomit, and spilt coffee. The walls had holes in them and several tables were broken. The place was a tip.  
  
" Um..yeah.sure," Ryoko added. " Just keep it tidy before Washu comes in."  
  
" The bitch queen will step through the gates of heaven chanting the words. 'Lem is king' when she sees this store."  
  
" No she won't, she'll say 'morning Lem, get the hell out of our shop'," said Ryoko with a smug grin on her face.  
  
" Aren't you suppose to be with Tenchi in bed by now?" asked Lem. Ryoko paused. Lem looked over her. " because your only wearing a nighty."  
  
" CRAP!" Ryoko spirited out of the shop.  
  
Lem folded his arms and looked around the quiet shop, there was soon a moving noise coming towards the shop followed by some air gust sounds. Lem confused and bewildered by this walked out side the shop.  
  
" Hello?" asked Lem. A large spot light lit on him. " What the hell is going on?"  
  
" This is commander Ren Hoek!" cried Ren sitting in a giant tiger tank. " You will put down any weapons and come quietly with us."  
  
" I don't have any weapons!" cried Lem.  
  
" HE'S LYING!" shouted William crouching by the tank. " He launched a Teletubby at me!"  
  
" Oh you sad bastard," grumbled Lem.  
  
" Cut the chatter Lemming and put your hands up," shouted Seymour Skinner from another tank.  
  
" What the fuck have I done?"  
  
" Launched Dipsy at me!" shouted William.  
  
" You will have the count of five to put your hands up or the armies of animation will open fire." Shouted Randal wearing an army helmet and holding a megaphone.  
  
" WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING THERE!" screamed Lem.  
  
" Getting into this army thing," said Randal. " Hey, I'm just like an army general."  
  
" GRAVES GET ON WITH IT!" shouted Ren. " I'VE GOT TO KILL STIMPY AT 6 SO SHUT UP AND COUNT TO FIVE!"  
  
" Um.ok." said Lem. He turned around and walked back into the store. Clem and Kenny were waking up.  
  
" One!" Randal shouted.  
  
" What's going on?" asked Clem. Lem jumped behind the counter and put an army helmet on.  
  
" Two!"  
  
" Guys..I would suggest that you put on some protective gear and come join me behind the counter." Lem added. Clem and Kenny quickly put helmets on and dived behind the counter.  
  
" Three..oh to hell with it.FIVE!"  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
7:01 am - Thursday morning  
  
" Now then, let's see how those guys got on," whistled Washu walking down the road. " I had a great time last night playing twister with Tenchi and the others." Washu stopped on the pavement and looked up. " Ah my lovely coffee...HUH?"  
  
Before Washu was a pile of smoking bricks, wood, and burning coffee machines. There was a surrender flag waving in the ground. The whole coffee shop had been destroyed by the Animation military.  
  
" LEM!" screamed Washu. " WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! MY SCIENIFTIC GENIUS WAS MAKING THAT SHOP EXCELL! YOU'VE DESTORYED MY BABY! AHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Hiding behind some smoking bricks, Lem, Kenny and Clem were crouching, covered in dirt, smoke and some blood.  
  
" I think she's pissed," said Lem adjusting his helmet.  
  
" No, you think," said Clem rolling his eyes up.  
  
" Hmpt ht hmmpt hmp hmt?" mumbled Kenny.  
  
" There's only one thing to do," said Lem. Clem and Kenny looked at each other. " We go out in a blaze of glory."  
  
" Agreed," said Clem. " I just like to say, it's been an honor working for you."  
  
" Thank you," said Lem. " You guys ready?"  
  
" Ready," came the response from Clem and Kenny.  
  
" CHARGE!" screamed Lem jumping up from the rubble. Clem and Kenny jumped up with him. The three heroically charged, screaming their heads off, towards Washu waving their arms and legs, the trumpets playing an army remembrance tune.. And Lem's life was hell once more.  
  
THE END  
  
But Lem's Life WILL strike back later on this year..if he's recovering from the beating from Washu of course. 


End file.
